Insight

So… we’re halfway through self lockdown for the COVID pandemic. I’ve spent just 2 weeks without so much leaving the front door of my house and… I believe it’s beginning to demonstrate that I really have a very closed social circle. My closest friends are fine but since I’m not seeing them I’m beginning to notice just how few people I have in my life. I’m not quite sure whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing, what I do know is that it’s a bit boring.

I believe it would be nice to have different people whom I could talk about different things and somehow I feel like I do have them, but I really don’t know them that well to start a deep or meaningless discussion about topics. Is it because I’m boring? Do I have so little to tell about things or so few comments on stuff? My closest friends agree that I am smart and that I am cult and everything but I often think I’m not.

I guess that’s the main definition of having low self-esteem. It doesn’t matter what I am, what I have or what I could offer, what matters is only what I believe about myself. But then, how can I convince myself to look at me the way my friends and family do? I guess that what could really work for me is to try harder to become what I believe is the version of me that they all see. If someone thinks I’m smart then I’ll have to study enough so that I’ll believe I’m as smart as they say I am. It sounds a bit redundant but at least it’s a way for me to keep moving forward. 

And that’s just it, keep moving forward. The worst thing anyone can do when facing doubt about anything is just staying still because if you do so, then nothing’s gonna change and doubt and uncertainty will become a part of your life. But if you move, disregarding the fact that you might fail horribly, at least you’ll be making something happen. You could just as well succeed but if you don’t, then, by all means, you will learn something new.