Unassuming

I recall when I was a kid, I suffer my first loss. It wasn’t anything as tragic as it may sound but for the small heart of a 5-year-old, it was a lot to bear. I had a small turtle named Frank whom I used to watch for hours. I remember vividly all the adventures I used to create with Frank, thinking he loved me just as I loved him but such was fate (and slightly bad parenting) that I was not old enough to be completely responsible for my pet’s life. I forgot to feed him a couple of times but for such a small animal, it was a lot.

This is where something inside of me shifted in a way I could never possibly have imagined. My parents make a small matter of this, I remember them flushing poor frank and I kept waking up for about a month dreaming of Frank coming back from the sewers to take revenge for treating him so badly. I was truly scared of the ghost of my childhood companion.

The second one was in school. Whose idea was it to give us frogs for dissection? Turns out that somehow, my frog was not dead when they give it to me. «Just kill it» was my teacher’s answer. I seriously hated him for that. I remember getting into so much trouble in his class afterward because I always tried to pick a fight with him. Undoubtedly, I went above and beyond studying biology but it wasn’t because I liked the subject or because I didn’t want to fail, but I wanted to humiliate him, and show him that he was not that good of a teacher.

You see, we are surrounded by death from a very young age, even if we have no tragic experiences. You could even be born into the wealthiest of families and still, one way or another, in the news or just right there in your backyard, you are always surrounded by death. You just have to pay attention to it.

In college, we were late for a movie so we drove there, my friends and I. We thought: «we could go in the carpool lane and it’ll be faster». I mean, sure, it was a fool’s proof idea but how could we’ve known a crazy stray dog would jump right in front of us. I felt his bones cracking the instant I hit him with my car. There was nothing we could do and no one to hold us accountable for anything, so we just drove off. I was sick for most of the movie.

Now, please, don’t get me wrong. I’ve never felt bad for any of that. It may look that way but it just so happens that I find those feelings exhilarating. My body shivers whenever I know death is coming. And I’ve tried every possible way with every kind of creature…except for humans, or at least such was the case before the pandemic forced us to stay inside.

What was I supposed to do? I live in a condo with no living creatures other than crickets and roaches and such. They just don’t give me any thrill. But my sweet neighbor, the 90-something lady who lived alone… just stopped breathing one day. Who could’ve known?

I think the most difficult part is trying to contain the excitement. I feel like a kid again, giggling, imagining stories and scenarios where the dead come back to life and they see the results of my work. I feel so important thinking about how the future generations will try and figure out what was really happening right under their noses.